It has been over a month since I last blogged on Nyx Book Reviews. It has been over two since I last blogged on Irresponsible Cactus. One day I was here, and the next, I disappeared. Or at least, my digital presence did. I turned silent, and that silence has been pressing on me since.
I love blogging. I love reaching out with my words and my mind and to create a little slice of me that others can read and relate to. I love to entertain you, I love to interact on Twitter and meeting new people and chatting with the familiar ones. Blogging and writing have been a huge part of my life in the last six years and I would not have it any other way.
But the truth is, dear reader, that I can’t at the moment. And that makes me feel like a failure in some ways. Why can’t I just open that browser and put some words down? Even if I can’t do it every week, why not at least a few times a month? Why can’t I answer comments and post tweets, or, what weighs even more on me, answer the letters some lovely bookish friends sent me? I’ve done it before. I’ve done it for years. Why can’t I just do it now?
I can pinpoint some key moments where I started to realize that no, I was not well. I was not dealing with the stress. I was not handling it. I was not fine.
So I culled down on anything that wasn’t completely essential in my life and faced the issues that I had been suppressing, in some cases, for multiple years. Though I’m glad I did it, these last few months have been absolutely terrible. All energy I have goes into setting things right both in my mind and my life, and in trying to keep up with school. Even the smallest tasks beyond that are out of my reach. I’ve had days in which I just sat on the couch for six hours straight, doing nothing and feeling overwhelmed. Hell, I still can’t bring myself to do the dishes, even though it’s so easy and takes so little work but even that small household task feels like it’s too much. Everything takes energy, and I have none left.
On some days I feel better, and on some I slip backwards. I’ve made many changes, and one of the most important ones is that I no longer want to lie and pretend I’m doing just fine, thank you. People can’t help you if you’re not honest. I can’t help myself if I’m not honest.
So I’m here today, dear readers, to break through that silence I’ve maintained here and on my other blog. Though generally because I simply couldn’t write, it was also an embarrassed silence. It was easier to disappear than to give a reason why.
I’m here to tell you today that I’m not fine, and that’s okay.
I’m working on it.