On Silence and Stress

It has been over a month since I last blogged on Nyx Book Reviews. It has been over two since I last blogged on Irresponsible Cactus. One day I was here, and the next, I disappeared. Or at least, my digital presence did. I turned silent, and that silence has been pressing on me since.

I love blogging. I love reaching out with my words and my mind and to create a little slice of me that others can read and relate to. I love to entertain you, I love to interact on Twitter and meeting new people and chatting with the familiar ones. Blogging and writing have been a huge part of my life in the last six years and I would not have it any other way.

But the truth is, dear reader, that I can’t at the moment. And that makes me feel like a failure in some ways. Why can’t I just open that browser and put some words down? Even if I can’t do it every week, why not at least a few times a month? Why can’t I answer comments and post tweets, or, what weighs even more on me, answer the letters some lovely bookish friends sent me? I’ve done it before. I’ve done it for years. Why can’t I just do it now?

I can pinpoint some key moments where I started to realize that no, I was not well. I was not dealing with the stress. I was not handling it. I was not fine.

So I culled down on anything that wasn’t completely essential in my life and faced the issues that I had been suppressing, in some cases, for multiple years. Though I’m glad I did it, these last few months have been absolutely terrible. All energy I have goes into setting things right both in my mind and my life, and in trying to keep up with school. Even the smallest tasks beyond that are out of my reach. I’ve had days in which I just sat on the couch for six hours straight, doing nothing and feeling overwhelmed. Hell, I still can’t bring myself to do the dishes, even though it’s so easy and takes so little work but even that small household task feels like it’s too much. Everything takes energy, and I have none left.

On some days I feel better, and on some I slip backwards. I’ve made many changes, and one of the most important ones is that I no longer want to lie and pretend I’m doing just fine, thank you. People can’t help you if you’re not honest. I can’t help myself if I’m not honest.

So I’m here today, dear readers, to break through that silence I’ve maintained here and on my other blog. Though generally because I simply couldn’t write, it was also an embarrassed silence. It was easier to disappear than to give a reason why.

I’m here to tell you today that I’m not fine, and that’s okay.

I’m working on it.

4 thoughts on “On Silence and Stress

  1. ❤ It IS okay. Don't worry about your blog, we'll be here when you are ready for it again, and you shouldn't feel pressured in that. I know EXACTLY how you feel. The dishes thing? SO familiar. I had the same issues a few years back and went to a psychologist for it (which helped!). The way I used to describe is that everything, even the smallest task, felt like climbing a mountain. I just couldn't do it. So don't feel like a failure! You're not alone in this, and however much of a cliché it might be – it will get better, I promise. 🙂 If you ever feel like talking, you know where to find me. Take it easy and be kind to yourself xxx

  2. Celine, thank you for putting these words out there in the internet universe. Thank you for giving voice to something that many people feel every day and are unable to articulate. THANK YOU. Also, good for you for recognizing that you “just can’t” and taking the initiative to work on it–that takes GUTS. I just recently wrote a post (actually, two posts) for a millennial career-ish blog that I write for every 2 weeks about a similar topic (https://unveilyourbrilliance.wordpress.com/2016/02/16/dealing-with-anxiety-part-1/). It took a lot for me to write down some of the things I experience every day and have been experiencing for a long time. It felt scary and I didn’t know how people would react. The response has been overwhelmingly positive (not that I have a gigantic readership or anything, but you get the idea :)) and I am so ready now to support anyone and everyone who finally feels like they can come out say exactly what you have said. That you are not okay but you are working on it.

    Thank you for sharing and good luck with your journey :).

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